Some Days Are Dark

I didn't think I would write again today, but it turns out I need to. I also need to go to bed, but I sort of don't give a shit at the moment.

I like the word grief. I prefer it to "mourning." Grief sounds more visceral, and that fits better with how I feel.

Grief is strange. I'm finding that going through the motions of just continuing a normal life without Gink is essentially easy. And that makes me sort of mad, because part of me doesn't want a single thing about this to be easy. It also makes me feel a strange sort of guilt, like I should be noticing his absence every time I turn around. But at the same time, I'm not completely mad or strongly guilty because even when I'm not "noticing" his absence I'm feeling it. For the first couple of days the feeling came and went in waves. I really didn't think of him when I was busy, because I wouldn't have been thinking about him if he'd still been here. He would have spent most of that time sitting in the windows or sleeping somewhere while I worked. But today, even though I was busy, I just felt an unhappy undercurrent all day long. Heart starting to race a little, my throat getting tight. That could have been in part because some of what I was doing was either generally related to the cats or more directly related to Gink being gone: changing the set up for the food bowls, finally washing his dry food bowl, taking the litter trash out, removing the protective strips I'd put on the door frames to keep him from destroying them even more than he already had, throwing out old cat supplies and ones they never used.

But, even when I wasn't working on cat-related things my brain seemed stuck on feeling guilty, regretting decisions, and trying to reason with myself.

I should have noticed that he was peeing more than normal for a cat?
    How was I supposed to know that was too much? Was it really?
Now I know why he was peeing outside of the box again.
    But you didn't know that was a bad sign. He'd done it before.
Yeah, but maybe if we'd had blood work done before we could have caught it in time to do something about it.
    We have to have had some blood work done at some point and no one gave you the idea anything serious was going on.
I just checked; we didn't get a full blood test done in January because you didn't want to have to pay for it.
    But the doctor didn't stress that it was important, and the antibiotic shot appeared to have worked. Besides, he was always a cranky boy, and he was getting older. How was I supposed to know what was abnormal until it was too late?
You could have had the full blood test done in January, or at last year's physical.
    And then again maybe that wouldn't have found anything. Or maybe it would have found enough to know that he was already dying and probably only had a few months to live, and then we would have been suffering for months knowing this was coming. We wouldn't have been less upset in the end, would we?

It also could have just been a general vibe around the house today. Gytha didn't even touch her wet food today, and only nibbled at her dry food. Tim didn't seem to have much enthusiasm or energy. Everyone in our house just seemed kind of subdued.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but I don't know just what I would do if I was home all day. I still have work to do, but it's supposed to be cloudy and rainy, and at least if I'm at work where I can't really see outside much it might not affect me. I'm a little worried about having to tell people and deal with people tomorrow and having to keep my shit together while I'm at work, but I'm also worried that if I was at home it would be like today again. Maybe work will be a good distraction and change of atmosphere. But maybe I'll be worried about Gytha so much that I'll be struggling not to cry or have a panic attack. It's probably not going to come to that, but I know myself and it's not impossible. Plus I ate more today than I have since Friday, and what I've eaten seems to be upsetting my stomach. So it feels like I'm going right back to work with the same physical problems that caused me to take Friday off in the first place. Four days off and I'm in even worse shape mentally and physically. Joy. I'm just so damn looking forward to tomorrow now.