Deja Vu

Exactly one year ago I did the same thing I did today: took Mom back to Dad's as the official final act of my vacation. Also like last year, I feel for the first time today that autumn is definitely in the process of taking over, except this year it wasn't the kind of auspicious taste of the future we got last year. With the dull gray sky and damp, rainy atmosphere there was definitely a greater feeling of loss than of promise. It's an abrupt end to having the time and the energy to make great food, take walks, check out new places, take trips, run errands, and read. (Although I did NOT finish my book, and that irritates me even though I know it's because my time was filled with so many other valuable and interesting things instead.) I also got the news today that one of my workplace pals is quitting. (Who happens to be my MST3K buddy, and I'm seriously going to miss the two of us causing each other to laugh uncontrollably with just a few choice words.) And winter is coming. (Yeah, I know, but screw Game of Thrones. It's actually a real threat to my mental health.)

So tonight it's back to trying to make myself get to sleep before 9. Tomorrow I'll have to wake up at 4, and when I leave the house it'll be even darker than it was last time I had to do that. Back to spending 2 hours in the car every day, and coming home too tired to figure out how to make a decently healthy meal as quickly as possible. Back to fighting all the negative influences and probably back to feeling like a failure when I fail to fight the world off successfully.

Last week I felt so relaxed, positive, and happy that I was looking forward to going back to work. I thought, "This is the real me. This is more of who I'm supposed to be. I'm going to be able to go back and, at least for awhile, show everyone how charming and wonderful I'm capable of being." I had high hopes that the complications and problems that stood in my way before would be surmountable going forward with this renewed feeling of well-being. I was still feeling some of that last night, even though the fear of vacation's end was already creeping in. I give the saving credit to my new hat. I mean, a total stranger at the grocery store commented on how cute it was!! But today is so very NOT last week, and seems a world away from just yesterday.

The one ray of hope I can see is that the distance I've regained between myself and my work may reduce the type of stress I was dealing with before my vacation. The longer I work without a real break that allows me to gain that kind of distance, the more obsessed I become with trying to fix all the inconsistencies, glitches, and problems I can find. Which nobody else cares about or is willing to fix. Which frustrates me intensely. Which stresses me out. A lot. So in one sense, the less I care about things that aren't absolutely critical, the happier I am at work. And the less I want to be there, the less I care about all those non-critical things.

So, while I'm overshadowed by loss and regret, I'm trying to focus on how to carry that renewed energy forward anyway, even as I can feel it ebbing away while fear and resentment start crawling back in. I can do this, especially with the help of my new security blanket. I'm placing a lot of hope in that hat.