I am having a big, fat Wow moment. One of my friends asked if anyone else had ever had to choose between keeping something they loved or getting rid of it because it was associated with a very bad memory. So I tried to think if I'd ever had to face that decision, and couldn't think of anything. Then I tried to come up with a list of memories I still have of very bad experiences, and that was when I had another glimpse of how good my life has been to me.
It took me a minute to even think of anything that might be a very bad memory. The first thing that came to mind was crashing someone else's car while driving their children to school. It was even worse than when I had my first accident the week before that in my own car because a) it was my fault whereas the first was not, b) it wasn't my car, and c) I had children in the car for goodness sake! I couldn't stop crying for hours. Between the two accidents I was rather skittish about being in cars for the next month or two, and I'm not sure if I did any driving during that time. But there wasn't really an object to associate with that experience, and since no one was hurt and no one hated me for what I had done, I eventually forgave myself. What felt at the time like the most unimaginable nightmare no longer has any negative hold on me other than a few little tiny pangs of guilt, especially since I never actually found out what happened to the girl in the other car. But, I know she didn't die or anything, and if she was seriously injured at all it was because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt and was speeding in town, so I never felt very guilty about that aspect anyway.
The next worst moment I could come up with was getting fired. And again, I don't know that there are any objects to associate with that. I do still have some negative feelings surrounding that moment in my life, mostly regrets and a very deep sense of loss. It changed the course of my life forever and in some very negative ways. But it didn't break me or completely ruin my life. So, while I can't exactly embrace it's life-changingness, I don't waste my time and energy anymore looking back at it and feeling hurt and vindictive. I've moved on enough that it no longer haunts my life, and there are no objects associated with it which dredge up negative feelings.
It took me longer to even think of this one, but the day my parents told Eric and I they were separating was pretty awful. Still, after the initial shock, things worked out. A large part of that was because my parents maintained a "positive" relationship with one another. So "positive," in fact, that they ended up getting back together, and then split up, and then got back together. Eventually a change in their relationship status was more likely to elicit rolled eyes and a shake of the head from Eric and I than anything else. Well, until the last time they broke up while I was living with Dad and was essentially put on suicide watch for a night. But even that period of time was left behind as our lives moved forward in ways that proved to be positive and healthy. It doesn't pain me to remember these events now.
Beyond those moments, I have a very hard time conjuring up any memories that qualify as "very bad."
Our home buying process was quite stressful, but since everything worked out in the end it doesn't seem so bad now. (Especially since I now know of another home buying process that was probably 10 times more stressful.)
I've never had a horrible break-up with anyone, or had any nightmare scenes in public with anyone. There was the fiasco of inviting A Certain Someone to a Halloween party only to discover that a number of people there knew him for various unflattering reasons. Having to kick him out because of his inappropriate behavior to my friends was quite memorable. But I would consider it a rather entertaining story now. Anything that I can laugh about now is the kind of memory that means I've had a somewhat interesting life.
There are memories that aren't exactly amusing but still part of an interesting life, the two most salient being the exchange at the Law Library that night when Wall O'Porn threatened to stalk me --oh, right, I mean his "friend"-- and the night Ralph refused to leave my room and I realized I might not be able to just beat the snot out of him physically as he was holding my head between his surprisingly strong thighs. But while these might have been somewhat serious moments and each caused my adrenaline to kick it up a notch, I was strong in each moment and took steps afterward to put a stop to those kinds of behaviors. I have no negative feelings about them now.
I don't know that I actually have any memories which now qualify as "very bad." Which is kind of not-really-haha-funny when I think about it, because it highlights a couple of things: one, the polar opposite tendencies of my brain, and two, what seem to me to be changes in that over time.
I've always had a mood swing set, with at least a slight tendency to swing a bit negative. I was a whiny child and an argumentative one, or as I might put it now "a precocious perfectionist." I complained a lot about everything from not being allowed to have candy to the injustice of my bedtime to the stupidity of nuclear bombs. But, when I reminisce about my life I generally see most things that were negative at the time as being either amusing, silly, just part of being a kid, or an inevitable learning experience in a life which has been generally pretty good. I can remember being angry, disappointed, and hurt frequently, and yet my overall impression of my childhood is happy.
And the older I got, the more happy my memories seem to be. Which is deceiving, I know. My memories of my college years, especially the grad school days, are chock full of fondness. But I know I was also miserable half the time. I just can't feel that miserableness anymore. I can still sort of feel the exhilaration, joy, satisfaction, and love of interacting with so many people: of helping raise "my kids," of the unbelievable amount of flirting I got to do working at the Law Library, of hanging out talking with interesting people at bars and parties, of having the energy to work two or more part time jobs while taking classes and still having time to go out almost every night, of spending hours smoking and drinking coffee at Longbranch while alternating between homework and visiting with people. In fact, I enjoyed being with all those people so much, that I think the withdrawal from that stimulation was the cause of many of my miserable periods.
Through everything I did and everyone I spent time with, what I had then was faith in life. My life wasn't all I wanted it to be, but I believed it could be and would be. I believed in my spiritual pursuits. I believed in my future as a teacher and caretaker of children. I believed in my friends and my town and my world. I believed in my education. I believed in my dreams. I had faith in the present and in the future.
And then I left that place and I left those people and I lost my faith. It might have happened even if I had stayed. I'll never really know. But I do know that now I tend to be very susceptible to ridiculously negative thinking where my brain is essentially saying something to the effect of, "This moment is proof that my life sucks." It could be disappointment about my garden, annoying traffic, an especially problematic book at work, a bad headache, too much cat hair floating around the house. It doesn't happen all the time: it varies, especially depending upon season of the year, time of the month, and/or weather. The same event could cause me to roll my eyes and forget it one day, dwell angrily on it all day, cry about it another day, or feel angry at first but able to talk myself into positive thoughts on yet another day. But it happens enough of the time that it is a constant worry, only now without the sense of place, social network, or faith that used to balance those things out.
In other words, my faith and my feeling of being in the right place with the right people made me more resilient. Without them, I'm far less resilient. Obviously still going because my soul isn't completely cut off and because I'm insanely stubborn, but not as resilient. Which is something I think I've discussed before, and may seem far off topic, so let me try to loop this back in with where I started.
I do NOT believe in the Happiness Movement and I do not believe we all have to be count-your-blessings-every-day, make-sure-you-always-look-on-the-bright-side, never-ever-let-a-negative-thought-get-hold-of-you people. Life is far, far too painful and complicated to always force yourself to look on the bright side and to smother your mind with platitudes about how good life is no matter what. But I am trying to restore my faith and so I do believe in trying to embrace the whole messy, wonderful, crazy thing instead of always focusing on why things aren't better and telling myself I can't be content unless everything is perfect. So I try to appreciate the moments which open my eyes and make me think, "You have had a better life than you're allowing yourself to see." Realizing that I was having trouble thinking of a bad memory and that even memories of negative experiences are not bad memories for me was one of those appreciative moments. Now, if I can just remember this feeling later when I'm being hit about the head with negative thoughts...
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